Third

It feels like my life is nothing but phases sometimes. As though it's not a big whole like I always thought it was supposed to be. Just a bunch of little pieces that became a cumulative existence. Nothing stays the same, and I'm sure it's at least partially my fault. I'm fickle and nuts and commitment, and follow through, and responsibility are not my strong suits. I'm very distractable and I've never really cared abut something enough to never forget about it. Not things I hate, not even things I love. Nothing has ever constantly stayed at the front of who I am.

It's no great surprise when people have a hard time understanding or getting a grasp on me. I mean sometimes...often...I dont even know what I'm going to do or how I'm going to react. How's that for volatile. Me, or anyone else, can claim what i'd/they'd do in a situation til they're blue in the face, but til it actually happens no one is ever really going to know or be sure. What matters is the moment, and that we all have them. I know what I should do is stop expecting that I should already know myself at 19. I have a lot of experiences or have and things yet to do, and all that other cliche crap.

But honestly, the me I don't know still has a lot of changing to do.

Second

It's funny.Not in a 'ha ha' kind of funny, not even an ironic sort of funny. Maybe it's not funny at all. It just seems to me like...I make a mess, because I am a mess. A great big awful mess. I don't have much real world esperience, regardless of my major I'm terrified of where I'm going, yet I'm stuck. I see people continue and move, leaving a community college is what you're supposed to do, after all. But it doesn't feel like I'll ever really get there. I get all these ideas and I get momentarily inspired...but utterly lack the ability to move on any of it. To move on anything at all. I'm afraid I'm falling for someone, but if I am I'm doing it alone. I talked about it and there went the floodgates. But I don't want to pine, and I don't want to fall, and I'll never make the first move. I only do that to get rejected. And if I told him...too many things would get shattered.

I'm not sure if I'm too afraid, or just too proud.

First

Do you ever feel like you're lost? Admit it or not, i'm sure you do. It's the way of the world. The way of our world, our human filled world. I think it's our job sometimes, to be lost. To be curious and have questions, but not have the capacity or the ability to find or handle the answers. I mean, wouldn't that just be too easy? It's not our job to know where we fit, or what we accomplish. Not until the end, sometimes not even then. I suppose one could say that keeps things interesting.

Or it just might make your head explode.