Fourteenth

He is just not that into me. And I know it. And I try to be fine with it. And I normally am. But sometimes I'm not. And I hate, as usual, being the one just sitting around with one sided feelings. I KNOW he's not that into me. I know he doesn't look me like a girl. And I hate that he's my fall back when I'm bored and don't have any other crushes, then I suddenly can't get him off my brain. I just want to slough off these thoughts. Like water. Let them run over me, then slide off and away. And until I find a distraction in the way of a blue piece of plastic [a different guy] I don't think thats gonna happen.

And I find that infuriating. Even if I find someone else, they get set up against him. I mean, he's one of the best guys I know. He always has been. I hate when you have romantic epiphanies. Everything would be so much easier if I hadn't realized he was a guy. Because he hasn't, and won't, realize that I'm a girl. And that leaves me out to dry with some cliche metaphor that has to do with creeks and a lack of paddles. Laaaaaaaame. And it's even stupider, because I don't really want to be in a relationship right now.

Except for with him. And it doesn't help that I could see myself married to him.

...Dammit.