Twentieth

[written june 23rd, and kind of forgotten about. posted now.]

Last night I had a bunch of my favorite songs on shuffle. I was listening and singing along, having fun with my music as per usual. Then a song came on. I won't say it's name, because it makes everything too obvious, but anyways. This song comes on, and honestly it's an amazing song. I love it to bits, and it's in my favorites for a reason. It's a sad song, but that just adds to it's greatness. So, as I'm singing along, i'm suddenly very sad. While I'm chiming along, someone I love pops into my head, in direct correlation to a sad song.

And suddenly, this person is absolutely associated with this sad song, and it's like the lyrics make up my relationship with them. I was really jarred. This person...used to have a lot of songs that made me think of them, but happy ones. There were even some songs that I considered us to share. Never before had a song that was sad entered that collection. This song was beautifully tragic. It's about feeling far away, and about losing someone, and that name, that person, is the one I think about.

Ouch.

It got me thinking about other people I don't think about often anymore. and still thinking about the first person, and I started getting downright depressed. It worsened as the next song came on my shuffle. It was a song that I used to consider 'shared' by us. Key emphasis on 'used to'. I listened to the song, silent all the while. I knew every word, every instrument, every bit of the melody. And for the first time...it was just a song. It didn't bring flashes of memories and old times. It didn't bring forth a sense of connection. It was just a song that I love and know. It was sad. And for some weird reason...behind all that...I felt free. And, "LeFou I'm afraid I've been thinking." "A dangerous past time." "I know."

I started to wonder, how was any of this my fault? Maybe I've just been clinging to connections I thought I had, and I've finally let them go. Maybe that connection was never there in the first place. Wouldn't be the first time I've been a fool like that. I'm sure it won't be the last. Maybe I was just letting go, all on my own. Finally moving on from something I shouldn't have held onto in the first place.

And it's sad. I was sad. But it's always sad. Growing up and moving on, letting go, it's terrifying. It's scary, and hard, and if you don't know you're doing it, when you understand at last that you've done it, it hurts. It's hard. Letting go of something is still losing it, even if it's by choice. And it will always be difficult. But that doesn't mean it's bad. Not at all. It's the opposite, even. Change has to happen. Transitions will occur. There's no stopping that, and it's better to let it go on than kill ourselves trying to pretend. We on't have to accept it joyously, but we can't act like it'll never happen. It will.

It just will.

Sometimes it will be for the better. Often, even. But it rarely feels like it at the time.

So a new song, with a different meaning than before, is what reminds me of an old friend. And old meanings are both lost...and let go of. It's hard. And it's good.

And I will keep listening to my songs.