Twenty-First

[written July, 14th. posted now.]

I have a role. This tole, this talent, this identity. It gets me places. It's the work I do. It's what I'm considered by many friends. It's in my blood.

I'm Mama Sara.

Days shy of being 20, and technically childless, I'm a mother anyways. I have a mother's heart, arms, way of thinking, and the build of one too. I think fun is a chance to sit down and relax for five minutes, preferably with a book. I hold my friends when they've had too much to drink and need to throw up. I listen til 4 in the morning, and have good advice to boot. I watch children as a lively hood. Raising them for a few hours every day is my job. My role in a group of peers is the caretaker of all.

And I like it, for the most part. It's like...with all the abilities I lack, like being alluring or flirty or fun, gotta hoe I have something enhanced. And what I do is NOT hollow. I love it. Even when babies cry, throw up on me, and get snot all over my clothes. Even when the tears of my friend stain my shirt, and I rub their back or stroke their hair for comfort. Whatever it is, whenever they need it, I'm there. And they know it.

The only sad part of it is the extreme independence that comes along with it. Mother I may be, but I have no 'father' figure to match me. Even if I did, i'm not sure how much different things would be. I don't know how to be cared for in return, or how to act my age and be a 'crazy kid'. It's just not in my arsenal. Outside of going to the occasional concert or sometimes having a bit of alcohol, I'm a boring bum. And sometimes it's tedious. My lack of relying on others gets tedious. There's God, of course. And I have an even harder time letting myself, making myself, rely on Him instead of me. 'Cause we all know leaning on yourself alone can't get you that far. But...giving in is hard, and harder when I can't get His arms wrapped around me in a tangible way.

And really, moms need hugs too. Easy as it is to forget.