Tenth

It's a hard thing sometimes. Generally, being single doesn't bother me. Aside from the one person I'd say yes to, who has no idea, I'm not even looking. But sometimes, just sometimes, it truly tanks.

There's this song by Snow Patrol, 'Open Your Eyes', and really I love it quite a lot. I can't seem to turn it off for the past couple of days, actually. But I also can't help that it makes me feel lonely and sad. It's like a slap in the face, and a big ol' reminder that nobody cares about me like that.

But I hate feeling like this, because it makes me feel like I'm discrediting my friends, which isn't the case at all. It's just not the point. But none of my friends needs me to open my eyes just so they can see them. Not 'because I need you to look into mine.'

Corny? Yea, maybe a little bit. A lot, even. I don't really care though. A large portion of romance is about corn. My favorite couples are the ones that kind of make me want to throw up. I actually get sad for the couples that don't nauseate me, at least a little.

I don't understand it most of the time. I don't bring it up a whole lot, I only complain about it occasionally but sometimes I can't help getting irked that I'm single. On a normal day I'd never admit it, but I'm kind of wonderful. I know I'm no looker, but I know I'm not as bad as I personally think I am. My face is pretty cute, nice enough smile, and eyes that are worth someone wanting to look at them.

And though it's highly rare for me to admit it, I have quite the personality. There is good and bad to it, I'd never claim otherwise, and yea. I'm a bit of a nutter. Still, on most days I have more good than bad. I have a big heart and spend most of my time caring about other people. I have good taste when it comes to most things, and I love to listen. I also like to love.

But it doesn't matter? No, thats not it. It just hasn't hit the right person at the right time yet. And really, thats fine. God has a plan and it's bigger than I could comprehend. But that doesn't mean I'm not sad sometimes. Nineteen years is a lot of time and bunches of waiting. And patience is a virtue because virtues aren't easy. It would be nice if he came along soon, but if he doesn't, I'll wait. I'll be fine. I might get grumpy sometimes, and sad other times, sometimes it may even make my angry, but all of that's allowed. It's not bad, it's not frowned upon, it's not forbidden. It's completely alright. And I know why, it all comes down to the end.

Because it takes a special guy to say, "I won't waste a minute without you."

Ninth

It's an odd thing. One day, I'm a crazy ass color scheme, and the next I'm completely grey scale. Strangest of all, I'm entirely comfortable in both. It doesn't feel chameleon or fake to be one or the other, it's just my silly moods. And, boy, am I overflowing with those. I mean, I guess no one can stay the same all the time. It's kind of a no brainer, that one.

But I feel like I should, and should be able to. I dunno. Just another of those idea's you get in your head during childhood, then startles you when you figure it out for real. Oh hey, no sorry, thats not correct. Here, have a large dose of reality and adulthood, and call your doctor tomorrow if there's any uncomfortable symptoms, bye bye now.

But then funny things happen, situational things that lift your spirits, like Joshua Radin making my life. I'm writing about this, I'm worrying about this, and his song 'We Are Okay' comes on. If thats not perfection and the epitome of what I'm talking about, then I don't know what is. Know what else? It's okay to have grey scale days too. As long as they're comfortable days. After all, we are okay, we are alright.

We sing very loud.

Eighth

On Sunday, I spend all day feeling like a stranger. Even in the places where I most belong, it felt like I somehow lost my place. Or maybe I removed myself from my place. Maybe it was never really mine, or it didn't really exist in the first place.

My moods have been weird all week, and that effects everything around me. Suddenly all of it is strange, like it's ceased to be MY world. I can't hold it all in one place, I can't hold any of it in once place, and it puts me at a loss for what to do. So I reject everything. I have to run away, retreat, recuperate. Count my non-existent losses and heave a sigh, before I lurch back into things that I've lost my grasp on.

I hate admitting when things get difficult, because then I might have to admit I need help, or can't shoulder it alone. I'd have to break from my independence, which I generally detest maintaining anyways. Yet I've been doing it for so long giving it up is just inconceivable.

I don't know whats going on lately, I just don't. Things are being funny with my body, it's like half my feelings have either blown up or vanished, and I'm just sliding by and doing the motions.

Know what else? I hate keeping track of time. I hate the box it places you in. I hate having to keep it, I hate having to uphold it and regard it. I hate knowing when things happen or when I have to be somewhere. I want a day, all to myself, with no time pieces at all. Things get to happen at their own pace, nothing really matters when it gets accomplished or if it gets accomplished at all. A day unrestricted by time, where I can just exist and be for however long.

Just a day.

Seventh

My imaginations range terrifies me sometimes. It's so extensive and so awkward. It's like I live in a dream state that I just can't abandon after a night of sleep. I talk to things that can't talk back, but mostly I talk to myself. Thats when you can figure out whats on my mind, when you listen to the conversations I have with myself. And yet I have problems babbling about nothing to the one year old I take care of.

There's my problem. I don't really know how to talk to anyone ASIDE from myself. I'm a sad, weird, internalized little girl with very little ways to get it out. Thats gotta be why I RP. I need a story to tell, any way I want, without being myself but having the ability to say anything I like. Even when I talk about myself, it rarely feels like many are listening. Then again, there aren't many that I want to listen. And some of them I don't even feel like I can tell.

I always thought you were supposed to get it together as you grew up. I mean, adults have all the answers, right? Uh, thats a negative. The more you can comprehend, the more questions you can imagine.

Well, crap.

Sixth

I frakking hate taxes.

Fifth

My sister has a unique way of looking at the world sometimes. It's a very childlike way, and only she really understands it. I listen to her talk sometimes and my mind honestly starts reeling. She told me once she never wanted to get married because she doesn't think she'll ever find anyone who will know her better than she knows herself. It was so odd a thing to come from her, and made such little sense. When she pulls things like that, I can't help but give her strange looks sometimes, but maybe I'm the one who deserves them.

Sometimes I get pretty down about the fact that I've never experienced a relationship in the romantic sense before. I had it all planned when I was a kid. I was going to have a handful of relationships, find the right boy by college, be married by twenty three or twenty five, oh yea. At least I expected to have been in one relationship by now. I never would have imagined none at nineteen. I always thought I would feel them out and know what they were about. Everything is simple like that, when you're a kid. Why, though? I intend to spend my life with only one person. Why would I want to go through a whole bunch? When everyone of those that didn't work would have ends. Some could be simple, some could be bitter, some could rip me and the other person apart. Why would I want that?

My friend is going through something right now that terrifies me. He was mad about this girl, they'd been together for years, if he had to get married to her tomorrow he wouldn't have had a problem with it. And she did something, and everything they were, everything they had, just blew up. He's so hurt and so sad and at such a loss, I hate seeing him like that, even though he's not really letting anyone really see it. What if it's not you who does the ending or the leaving? What if you don't do the destroying, you're the destroyed? And why, after most relationships, is the pain what has to stand out the most?

It's sad that anything, that there are so many things we can do to each other...how it's not that hard to cancel out love.

Fourth

Our race is so strange to me, though I include myself in all this. When things don't happen for a while, we get restless. When we stop being busy, we feel like our time goes to waste. We get irritated and want something different instead of just being content with things at the moment. Things are still, so we think we need change. This is a serious issue for people who have no idea how to appreciate the small things in life, far more than for someone who does, I think.

Why is it so hard for us to just stop sometimes? I mean I get that we can't really, but so many people always wish they did when they had the chance, when they review their lives. What is it that stops us? What is wrong with our society that we can't be alright without instant gratification? Whats so bad about having nothing to do instead of hanging out with six different people, spending money on things you don't need, and using gas to accomplish both? Why is taking a walk on a nice day reviewed as lame in our times? Why is it frowned upon to sleep in and just have a conversation when you wake up? Maybe actually eat a decent meal for once. I understand taking advantage of free time, I'm just saddened by our society and it's recent lack of being able to appreciate a day that isn't completely full.

Lets take a walk sometime.