Fifth

My sister has a unique way of looking at the world sometimes. It's a very childlike way, and only she really understands it. I listen to her talk sometimes and my mind honestly starts reeling. She told me once she never wanted to get married because she doesn't think she'll ever find anyone who will know her better than she knows herself. It was so odd a thing to come from her, and made such little sense. When she pulls things like that, I can't help but give her strange looks sometimes, but maybe I'm the one who deserves them.

Sometimes I get pretty down about the fact that I've never experienced a relationship in the romantic sense before. I had it all planned when I was a kid. I was going to have a handful of relationships, find the right boy by college, be married by twenty three or twenty five, oh yea. At least I expected to have been in one relationship by now. I never would have imagined none at nineteen. I always thought I would feel them out and know what they were about. Everything is simple like that, when you're a kid. Why, though? I intend to spend my life with only one person. Why would I want to go through a whole bunch? When everyone of those that didn't work would have ends. Some could be simple, some could be bitter, some could rip me and the other person apart. Why would I want that?

My friend is going through something right now that terrifies me. He was mad about this girl, they'd been together for years, if he had to get married to her tomorrow he wouldn't have had a problem with it. And she did something, and everything they were, everything they had, just blew up. He's so hurt and so sad and at such a loss, I hate seeing him like that, even though he's not really letting anyone really see it. What if it's not you who does the ending or the leaving? What if you don't do the destroying, you're the destroyed? And why, after most relationships, is the pain what has to stand out the most?

It's sad that anything, that there are so many things we can do to each other...how it's not that hard to cancel out love.